Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I can't put those talents on a resume
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
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