this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
