The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
