She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
