it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
