can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
