so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
