he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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