I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
