Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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