I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
