I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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