FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
