Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Randomize
