Fine. I'll sleep in my office
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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