Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize