made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
