I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Randomize
