I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
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