the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
