Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
