she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize