my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
