Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Even the bartender felt bad for me
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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