how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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