He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
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