Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
