i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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