Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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