You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
