im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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