his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
