new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Randomize
