i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
