I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
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