The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
