Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize