so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
