Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
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