i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
