Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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