I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Randomize
