you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Randomize
