take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
