ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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