I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
