The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
