she kept yelling 'call me bella'
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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