I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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