I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
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