i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
