Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
The air taste purple.
Randomize
