I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The Olympian is in my bed
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
