Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
