You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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