So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
