He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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