I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize