I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
