Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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