But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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