so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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