You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
